Monday, January 08, 2007

Predictions - Winter 2007

Hey Peeps and anyone else checking in. A special "Hey" goes out to Hazel Mae.

My pal Renee published her predictions for 2007 - here is my vision for the Winter of 2007.

January 2007
With the Ottawa SenaTards still languishing in the middle of the pack in the Eastern Conference – and fans and media calling for a shakeup on the team, GM Muckler is quoted as saying "We think we have the club to get back in the race and compete – with Spezza and Fisher coming back, we'll be fine. Of course it helps when you have a guys like Dom and Big Z in your own zone to provide stability." When reminded by his nurse that Dominik Hasek and Zdeno Chara are no longer with the team Muckler turns to his nurse and asks, "We still have Hossa and Havlat don't we?" Muckler is lead away from the press conference after telling the nurse he had an accident.

The Toronto Maple Leafs announce that forward Nik Antropov will be lost to the club for up to two months after stubbing his toe stepping out of the shower (you'd have to be a Leafs fan to understand – Hazel would get it).

With the Flyers enjoying a four game winning streak, the team announces that VP Bob Clarke has sufficiently recovered from his burnout to reassume the duties of GM – Clarke's first move is to replace coach John Stephens, claiming the team needed a shake up…Clarke takes over as bench boss to finish what he started – making the Flyers a last place team and the laughing stock of the new NHL. Clarke's first move as GM is to work on a blockbuster trade with Phoenix to bring Jeremy Roenick and Owen Nolan to the Flyers.

Eagles QB Donovan McNabb quietly celebrates another playoff loss by theEagles with his mom and a bowl of Chunky Soup – McNabb's mom joins in the celebration by saying "They can't win with you baby…they sure as hell aren't going to win without you."

Shortly after another playoff disappointment in Indy – Colts QB Peyton Manning announces that he has signed a deal to do commercials for the National Car Door Opening Association of America. Manning vows to be himself in the commercials, saying "I'm not an actor or anything…though I like the thought of it. I'm a football player. " The commercial features Manning celebrating a completed pass to a parked car in the end zone. While many see this as a ridiculous endorsement – Manning continues to accept any and all gigs that get him some national exposure.

Red Sox Nation is given the news they have been dreading – Theo Epstein announces that the Red Sox and J.D. Drew have finalized the contract agreed on in December. During the press conference, Epstein is quoted as saying that with "the signing of Drew, the Red Sox RF will be the envy of major league baseball – we'll have great defense and great speed with the potential for a 40+ HR and 100 RBI, with the versatility to play both OF and IF corner positions."
Skeptics in Red Sox Nation think that Epstein of floating out the possibility of the Sox winding up with a three way platoon of Drew, Pena and Hinske in RF – with none of his projections coming to fruition.

Internet pictures surface of the Los Angeles Dodgers reacting to Epstein's announcement with a night of celebration – a team bender to end all benders.

The New York Yankees announce that they have signed 1B/utility player Doug Mientkiewicz to a contract. GM Brian Cashman says the Yankees have learned from Boston's mistakes and have insisted that a clause be inserted in the contract that stipulates, "Any and all post-season game winning balls will be the sole property of the Yankees, irregardless of who is in possession of said ball after the final out." MLB owners meet agree that this clause be inserted in all future contracts.

Word out of Toronto is that the Chickenhawk is fuming about the fact there are no free agents left to overspend on – J.P. Riccardi is said to be preparing a five year $45 M offer to any unproven or over the hill free agent who is willing to listen – somewhere in Maryland Kevin Millar is kicking himself for not holding out on the O's.


The WWE announces that they will be broadcasting a special pay-per view triple tag team match, featuring Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell. Team Trump, lead by The Donald, also features Kelly Ripa and Britney Spears - Spears enters the ring wearing Trump's combover as her wrestling trunks. Team Frump, captained by Rosie, features Clay Aiken and Tom Cruise. Team Trump is disqualified after it is learned that Trump paid Ellen Degeneres to distract O'Donnell by hitting on her girlfriend in the audience.

February 2007
In the midst of a 6 game pointless streak, Boston Bruins fans fear that Marc Savard is suffering from the Samson complex and urge the center to bring back his cheesy French flavour-saver. Savard resurfaces a few days later with another cheezy little triangle under his bottom lip and has a goal and an assist in a Bruins win...calice! (Savard would understand "calice…ostie!")

Maple Leafs GM John Ferguson Jr. insists the Buds are legitimate playoff contenders as they teeter on the bubble – Ferguson tries to calm Leaf Nation by saying he is keeping a close eye on the situation and evaluating things on a day-by-day basis; going on to say that the Leafs have a plan that they are following to ensure that the team is competitive for many years to come. If you read that and don't know what it means – welcome to Leaf Nation.

Anaheim's Hockey God - GM Brian Burke - shocks the NHL yet again by managing to make a trade for a legit number 1 goaltender. Burke hoodwinks Chicago's Dale Tallon by acquiring Nikolai Khabibulan for J.S. Giguere and a prospect. Hockey God serves notice that Judgement Day for the NHL approaches…and the gates to hockey immortality/heaven will only open up for the Ducks. NESN's Jack Edwards greets the news by saying "See? I told you that Joe Thornton wouldn't win a cup in San Jose - it was a good trade for Boston."

Detroit Red Wings' "Robotron" (Dominik Hasek) tells the media that he needs to rest to recuperate from another injury no one has ever heard of - Detroit's medical staff is baffled when Hasek says he "needs trrrree to fohrrr veeks of cohmpleeet rrrest und rrreeelaaaacksashan - I know my bahhdy verrrry vell." Upon hearing the news, Wings' D Chris Chelios extends an olive branch and invites Robotron to his Chili Bar…never mind.

Envisioning another potential Cowboys dynasty, Jerry Jones announces that the Cowboys plan to go with 3 WR set in 2007 with Randy Moss ready to join the bad-assed likes of Terry Glenn and Terrell Owens – Bill Parcells claims to have no knowledge of acquiring the player being talked about - but goes on to announce that he is retiring from coaching…this time for good!

Embattled Lions' GM Matt Millen steadfastly refuses to resign amidst calls for his scalp in Lions' country. Millen holds a press conference to tell the fans and media that he is working on a major deal to rescue the struggling franchise - so much for all those high first round draft picks.

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis calls a post-Super Bowl press conference to announce that he has replaced former Raiders' coach Art Shell with former Arizona Cardinals' coach Dennis Green. Davis' reason for the hire - "Green has a proven track record of getting the best out of WRs like Randy Moss. He is really going to help our offence get back to Raider football." Green steps up to the podium to introduce his new coaching staff - Jim Mora Jr. will be the offensive coordinator, with Art Shell coming back to the fold as the defensive coordinator - just another messed up day in Oakland.

The Chickenhawk shows up in Florida sporting a facemask with a little red ball in his mouth. When asked to discuss how manager John Gibbons plans to add more punch to the lineup with slotting Wells, Thomas, Rios, Glaus and Overbay - the Hawk takes the ball out of his mouth to say "Oh no, you aren't going to draw me into that discussion - I'm not going to talk about players and the manager. Sorry guys." When asked about plans for the upcoming year, Ricciardi responds "We have our five year plan." He offers no comment when reminded by the media that he is in his sixth year.

Roger Clemens starts the Yankees/Red Sox courtship/dance again - talking about being with a winning club and how good it would be to come full circle. Both Red Sox Nation and Yankees' fans wonder "full circle with whom?".

San Francisco Giants' P Barry Zito introduces Barry Bonds to his collection of teddy bears - I'll leave you to determine Bonds' reaction.

Hazel makes New England television history when she bitch slaps WEEI's Mike Adams at the Whiney Awards after yet another Adams' observation that she makes two very good points - not coincidentally, donations on behalf of Hazel to the Dana Farber Cancer Clinic hit an all-time high for the month of February.

MARCH 2007

Residents of Toronto are awakened by what they think is an earthquake - the National Weather service says there is no indication of an earthquake. TSN and Rogers later report that the disruption was actually John Ferguson Jr. pulling his head out of his nether region and realizing that it is time for a trade. The extraction happens a few days before the all-star break and gives him time to complete a trade with the San Jose Sharks that sees Captain Mats Sundin heading to the West Coast for a cup run, with Sharks goalie Vesa Toskala and a prospect coming back to Toronto. Ferguson, riding the brainwave, works a deal to send the backup J.S. "I should be the starter" Aubin to the Flyers - for a draft pick.

SenaTards GM John Muckler maintains that his team is poised for a run at the Stanley Cup and that they are ready to make the next step - all this while his team languishes in 7th place in the Conference.

Boston Bruins' D Zdeno Chara, feeling the effects of having his ice time increased to 33+ mins per game, by a seemingly oblivious Dave Lewis, finally coughs up a lung in the middle of a game. Lewis tells the media that the "upper body injury isn't very serious and Z will be back soon". The SenaTards faithful point to the incident as justification for keeping Wade Redden over Chara in the summer of 2006.

Detroit Lions' GM Matt Millen announces that he has agreed to trade his 1st and 2nd round picks in the upcoming June draft to the Atlanta Falcons for QB Ron Mexico - the gutting of the Detroit Lions is complete...ensuring they'll get the 2008 number 1 overall draft pick.

Brett Favre is still non-committal about retiring and opens up talks with Green Bay to try and get a Roger Clemens' deal - sadly, Packers management is actually considering it.

Ben Roethlisberger is involved in another accident - this team he is involved in a head on collision; ironically, the other driver was Kellen Winslow Jr. Doctors report that there was no major brain damage to either of the drivers - both vow to be ready for training camp.

When asked about rumours that the Blue Jays are trying to move OF Alex Rios, the Chickenhawk responds by telling reporters that he is trying to build a winner and that no player is untouchable. After hearing the news in Ft. Myers' Red Sox IF/OF Eric Hinske chuckles.

Still no word from Roger Clemens on whether or not he intends to play this year - Clemens says he hasn't made up his mind yet and is seen boarding a plane to Mississippi...presumably to discuss his future with Brett Favre.

Red Sox Nation holds its collective breath with news that Big Papi has been sent back to Boston to be examined by doctors for what is being described as a lower body injury. The Herald and Boston Globe report that the slugger has been complaining about pain in his lower back and legs. A few days later, doctors in Boston announced that they have successfully extracted Mike Adams from Ortiz' colon - surgery was not needed, as doctors coaxed Adams out by telling him that they had Hazel Mae on the line.

WWE Hell in the Cell; O'Donnell and Trump in a non-disqualification submission match.

My predictions for Winter 2007; we'll do Spring 2007 in the next few days. Have a great one peeps.

Hazel, I hope things are groovy in your world.

Song of the Day on Hazelspeeps - with rumours swirling about the possibility of a reunion tour (which I will most definitely attend)

Bed's Too Big Without You - The Police

Peesth Out...Buh Bye!


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