Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

Hey Peeps and anyone else checking in. A special "Hey" goes out to Hazel Mae.

For those of you who checked in for a Weird & Whacked Wednesday update - we took the night off...it was Valentine's Day. It was a relatively tame week in the world of sports - so we decided to give it a little twist this week. While the following may not fall under the category of weird, whacked - some of them do qualify as just plain dumb. In any case, these were the stories that left me scratching my head a little - see what you think.

NFL

BUM'S LITTLE BOY - OR JERRY'S LITTLE...
Dallas Cowboys' Owner Jerry Jones announced last week that the he had hired San Diego Chargers' Defensive Coordinator Wade Phillips, son of former Houston Oilers' head coach Bum Phillips, to take over the head coaching job in Big D. Leave it up to Jones to snub conventional wisdom and go with his what he thinks is best for the team. Troy Aikman was part of a contingent of former Cowboys who were pulling for former offensive coordinator Norv Turner to get the job - NFL beat writers and media were tipping Chicago Bears Defensive Coordinator Ron Rivera to the guy - good old Jerry ignored them all, and went with a guy who has a history of good regular seasons and bad playoffs...exactly what Dallas needs. Don't get me wrong, it's his team and he can do anything he wants - but when some of the more informed people in the NFL are telling you that there is a guy who is ready for his first head coaching job, and you ignore them to pick up a guy who has really only excelled as a coordinator...well.

As I Maple Leafs fan, I grew up with Harold Ballard flushing the team down the toilet - it seems that Jerry is going to do the same with "my" Dallas Cowboys...I can just hear it now - the Star Spangled Banner is going to be replaced with the theme from the Dukes of Hazzard at Texas Stadium, with Phillips and Jones walking hand in hand. "Just two good ol' boys, never meaning no harm..."

Where have you gone Jimmy Johnson? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you.


NOW THAT'S A COLD SCHOTT
The San Diego Chargers announced that they had relieved Marty Schottenheimer of his head coaching duties - just one month after Dean Spanos offered him a one-year extension (with a $1 M escape clause). If you are a fan of the Chargers (are there any outside of California?) what are you left thinking when your management fires the coach who led his team to the best record in the league this year - shortly after watching your team's offensive and defensive coordinators both leave for head coaching jobs elsewhere? I know Schottenheimer has a history of not getting it done in the big game - but to fire him after the season he had?

The bright side for fans of the team now known as "Good Ship Dysfunction" is that the Chargers will likely sign one of the guys originally thought to be the frontrunners for the Dallas job. Norv Turner who is a great offensive coordinator but has an abysmal record as a head coach, or Ron Rivera of the Bears. Judging by the management in San Diego - I'm putting my cash on Turner...he just seems like the illogical choice and that seems to suit San Diego just fine.

Can you hear Stevie Ray Vaughn singing - "I really meant I was sorry. for ever causing you pain. You showed your appreciation, by walking out anyway. Now that's a cold shot baby."


THE NAKED TRUTH - THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO EWWWWW
Detroit Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen was sentenced to 2 years probation and ordered to attend alcoholics anonymous twice a week after pleading no contest to a charge of disorderly conduct, and guilty to one of drunken driving. Cullen was arrested for driving nude (yes...you read that correctly) and a week later for driving with a blood alcohol limit of 0.12. As part of the sentence, Cullen was also ordered to pay $1,600 dollars in fines and court costs.

How long before someone steps up to sue claiming they were traumatized seeing Joe drive around naked? I guess Joe must be one of Renee's regular readers here - he obviously subscribed to the motto of "Grin and bare it".

Cue up Radar Love for this one


THE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT NOW - MAYBE
A former supervisor of officials launched a lawsuit against the NFL last week - claiming that he had been fired from his position after some referees falsely complained that he was racially biased against visible minority referees and graded their performances harshly on that basis. Earnie Frantz, now living in Massachusetts is suing for unspecified damages and back pay - he doesn't want his old job back. The NFL, as expected, would not comment on the suit, other than to say he was relieved of his duties for other reasons. I hope Earnie gave that Terry MacAulay the business in his grading - I hate that guy.

What do you can you say about this without looking bad? If you agree with the suit, you're a racist; if you think the suit has no merit you are suffering from white man's guilt complex. I prefer to go with the immortal words of Wacko Jacko:

"And if you're thinking about my baby, it don't matter if you're black or your white."

Hey give me a break...I could have went with Ebony and Ivory, but that would have been really really cheesy.


THE FLAMING MOE - MOE, MOE, MOE, MOE
San Diego Chargers Safety Terrence Kiel, heretofore known on this page as Moe the Bartender, pleaded guilty to felony and misdemeanor drug charges for shipping codeine-based cough syrup across state lines. Police say that the cough syrup was mixed with soft drinks to make some concoction called "lean". Who knew?

Kiel was ordered to do community service and speak to young kids about the perils of drugs and gambling (oh yeah, he likes to do that too - maybe we can invite him to be a guest prognosticator for our Three Plays). If he does all that and stays out of trouble - his conviction will be dismissed and he'll be put on probation. Moe isn't out of the woods yet - he is scheduled to appear in court on February 20th after being sited for urinating outside a nightclub in downtown San Diego.

"I'd like to buy the world a coke."

I ONLY HAD ONE DRINK OFFICER
Kansas City Chiefs DL Jared Allen was sentenced to two days in jail after pleadedin "no contest" to a second charge of driving under the influence - don't think for a second that Allen got off easy; he was also ordered to spend two days in a lockdown treatment facility and one day under house arrest.

"One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer...ah I ain't seen my baby since the night before last, I'm gonna get drunk man, I'm gonna get gassed..."

Maybe its just the Portuguese in me, maybe its the Canadian upbringing - but I still don't freakin' understand the no contest plea. Maybe Hazel will explain it all to me one day.


MLB

HEY CARLOS, I'VE GOT CURT SCHILLING ON THE PHONE
Chicago Cubs P Carlos Zambrano has told the team that if they don't sign him to a new contract before the season starts - he'll leave at the end of the season to test the free agent market. While Zambrano's stance is very much like Schilling's stance with the Red Sox - Zambrano took a page out of the Bo Jackson school of public speaking.

"Whatever happens, I don't want to know about a contract during the season. I want to sign with the Cubs before the season starts. If they don't sign me, sorry, but I must go. That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks." Carlos finished off the interview by saying "Jim (Hendry - Cubs GM) spent a lot of money. I hope he has some for Big Z"

I have to admit that I laughed reading the story - I like "Big Z's" stance. I mean, who knows what kind of perks Soriano got to play in Chicago?

"If you've got the dineiro - ah, I've got my camaro. If you've got the cash, buy some gas, and off we'll go." (Texas Tornados - I don't expect anyone reading to have known the reference.


LARRY THE CRUSADER?
Everyone in New England is talking about the "perks" attached to Daisuke Matsuzaka's contract with the Boston Red Sox - jeezus, sports fans in Canada are talking about it...in the heat of the NHL Playoff race no less - while most people have an opinion on the perks, I haven't heard anyone ask "why?". Well, I think I've got it - I've come up with an angle that the story still hasn't been approached from.

I think Larry Lucchino has gone back to his cultural roots and become a modern day Crusader, and he is going to turn that poor, misguided young Asian boy into a God-fearing, Roman Catholic New Englander. Coming this December to a Red Sox Rewind Christmas Special with Hazel Mae - Dice K makes his singing debut and surprises Red Sox Nation with the 10 days of Christmas.

On the tenth day of Christmas Larry Lucchino gave to me
10 round trips to Japan
9 .300 hitters
8 great fielders
7 months of english instruction
6 months of baseball
FIVE ROOOOOUNDS OF GOLF
4 personal attendents
3 brand new Escalades
2 country club memberships (one won't be enough)
AND ONE SHOW WITH HAAAAAZEL MAAAAAE

I wasn't going to touch the South Park Christmas song.

Yep, I'm going with that one - the Sox are going to make Daisuke the Japanese version of Wacko Jacko and turn him into a chowdahead.

We'll leave the European Football stories for tonight - there were a few good ones.

Speaking of European Football - Benfica of Lisbon beat Dinamo Bucharest in the opening game of the round of 32 for the UEFA Cup; they left it until the last minute though, giving fans at the Estadio da Luz a scare. In today's action Braga hosts Parma of Italy.

I've been saying it for over a week - the Montreal Canadiens are one their way out of the playoff race; the struggling Habs dropped another last night to the New Jersey Devils. The Toronto Maple Leafs can move into a tie for 8th spot with a win tonight in Philadelphia against the Flyers. Leaf Nation will be by Hazel's side tonight hoping that the Bruins can beat the Islanders (who are tied with the Leafs).

Not much else to say - its all about the Toronto Maple Leafs today.


HAZEL'S THREE STARS
Detroit Red Wings LW Henrik Zetterberg continued his red hot play last night scoring a goal and adding two assists in a 3-1 victory over the Dallas Stars.

New Jersey Devils LW Patrik Elias had a goal and two assists in a 4-2 win over Montreal - Elias gets the nod over Brian Ralfalski who scored two goals because Patrik is a member of Hazel's Maeple Leafs in the yahoo hockey pool.

Benfica's striker Fabrizio Miccoli scored in the 90th minute to give his club a win over Dinamo Bucharest. Yeah, Yeah, Hazel might not be down with this one - editor's pick.


THURSDAY'S THREE PLAY
We had another great night last night going 3-0 and finishing $225 in the black. Our two day total this week is 6-0 and + $500. I told you we'd get it back. Tonight's suggested plays are:

Calgary over Colorado - the Avalanche won a big one against the Ducks on Tuesday, don't expect them to repeat that performance against a Calgary team that is gearing up for a Cup run. Lay $100 on the Flames - $220.

Tampa Bay over Washington - two teams going in very different directions. The Caps are playing out the string, while the Lightning are as hot as anyone in the league right now. Lay $100 on the Lightning - $245.

Toronto over Philadelphia - two words "Hazel Karma". Lay $75 on Toronto - $125.

That's about it for this morning - don't you think its enough? Have a great one peeps!


KEEPING HAZEL UP ON WHAT'S WHAT IN TORONTO
Leafs not underestimating Flyers

Johnny Pohl will suit up tonight in Philly

Whatever happened to the 1967 Maple Leafs?

Former Leafs gather for Make-A-Wish Foundation

Scoring change in 1967 final - hey, we're Leaf fans - Red Sox Nation should understand!


HAZEL'S THURSDAY HOROSCOPE
You have a generous heart and often do way too much for others. Sit back and see who is willing to do things for you. By the end of the day you will have a good idea who you should keep in your life and who you shouldn't. 2 stars

Hazel, I hope things are groovy in your world.

Song of the Day on Hazelspeeps - sure, we'll offer up another

Bed's Too Big Without You - The Police

Peesth Out...Buh Bye!