Who Knew $30 Was Worth So Much?
For those of you checking in for this week's Weird & Whacked Wednesday entry - my apologies; as I mentioned yesterday, I was in shutdown most of last week. So while I don't have a recap of the more notable newsmakers, I'll leave you with something even better...well, in my opinion it is.
My days at work are spent with very restricted internet access - I can't even log on to Deadspin due to my organization's firewall, so the internet is pretty much a write off. The amount of restrictions on email is also pretty bad - anything with a swear word never makes it to my inbox. However, yesterday the firewall must have been down because this one got through - and it brought a much needed laugh (given the events of the weekend).
Allow me to set it up for you - like most of you, I like to play poker once in a while; nothing serious, just a $30 entry into a tournament style game. I missed last Friday's game due to family commitments in Toronto, but the game went on as planned. A few of us missed the game, which is the basis for tonight's entry. There has been an ongoing dispute between two of our group about prize money that is or isn't owed to one of the players (depending on your perspective). What you are about to read is the actual string of emails that went to the group - the names of the guilty have been deleted to protect their anonymity - from a man who will be known as R to his poker nemesis known as J. I have not edited or corrected the spelling, what you are about to read was the actual chain of emails (minus everyone's address).
Keep in mind that this is a friendly game between friends...but as a famous poker player once said, "There are no friends in poker." Boy was he ever right. Before you read this - while I missed Friday's game, I am NOT...repeat NOT...the "R" in this story.
From R:
Hi C:
Nice to know all went well. And sorry I couldn't attend to help control the Clown Niente (yes Niente you still owe me $30).
Christ even the family missed me, as my plane got in around Mid-Night. Man you got to love Air Canada, supported by the gov't all those years, a sheer monopoly in Canada and still they can't get their shit straight.
Take care.
From J:
R For the LAST Freaking time I OWE YOU SHIT , and please keep your daily drab to yourself - you just wasted 10 seconds of my time....fart breath
From R:
Listen to me you smelly Spick, you never paid me for my winnings, which is still a sore spot. You paid your 5 month old bet that you and C lost not my 3rd place winnings.
As for wasting your time, you got gull. How on earth can I waste the time of a being that has senselessly roamed the earth for 40 yrs.
Your life has been a waste since conception.
Ah your conception occurred when a drunken sperm met a damaged egg.
The resulting mutated cells of the fertilized damaged egg normally called a zygote, in your case now called a zygoat, aka Waste Byproduct which normally is spewed during a woman's period) begins to multiply. Chromozones violently combine. Usually the "Dominant" ones attract but in your case "Regressive" ones combine to form a person, in your case the Idiot Clown. Slowly the mutated egg makes its way down to
the fallopian tube to the uterus and implants itself into the uterine wall.
The proud carrying mother immigrates to Canada under the false pretense of claiming to be a Political Refugee. Poof!!! out pops out the most hideous, big-headed ,midget bodied creature (borderline elephant man and terrorist) you have ever seen.
Since then the said Clown being continues to roam the earth wasting away his life and everyone he/she comes in contact with. Thank goodness to doctors who perform Sterilization on humans, maybe just maybe they'll get to the Clown to slow down and possibly stop the mutation from continuing.
You still owe me. PERIOD!!!
From J:
This just prove's how stupid you are , because I won the game does not mean I have to pay you, the cash is divided and you and you alone grab your winnings - so again retard it is your fault if you failed to pick up your cash , So now go fuck yourself fuckface cockbreath
From R:
Listen Mutant Niente, unlike you the money was never presented to me.
You were controlling it with L. I know L is honourable and you are not. Therefore I surmised you took all the money, as you would.
Unless you are trying to say C took it or L kept it.
Dish over the Cashhhhhhhhh you retard.
From J:
Again you fail to miss my point Asslicker Cumbreath , I took my loot and that's it you cracker ass cracker , I'm not pointing fingers - just saying it wasn't me so don't blame me for your stupidy and shortcomings
From R:
Hey Clown, it wasn't shortcomings. It was based on Trust and rumour has it you kept it. If you need it that bad, keep it then. I thought that now that you a Canadian Citizen and not an Illegal that you were better off financially.
From J:
Whatever I never snatched your winnings , beleive what you want to beleive your to much of a block head to be convinced other wise you mental case
You see this proves how much of a moron you are. D is trying to tell you to let this go. So SHUT THE FUK UP Clown. It's over. I have one on you, just on PRINCIPLE
From J:
You retard , I was playing with D , yes it was suttle but I don't expect a mental midget like you to pick up on it , Plus your the one that keeps bringing this issue to light every two months , I realize your old and your memory is not what it was - that's if you had one - So take your own advice you and shut the fuk up you old wrinkled ass, bad breath fat bastard
From R:
Get yourself a Dictionary or use Google, please, because your spelling sucks bad.
Subtle is not Suttle
You're is not Your
Also, never confuse the fat you carry with the muscle I do. Because of me, last year, Gus was able to lose some poundage. Maybe you should take my advise and try and lose some of your tonnage cus you spillth over. First off, my free advise to you is
(1) lay off the chips, donuts, nibs and Hamburger Helper, Fatso and maybe you'll start to look
like your bretheren Midget Mayan brothers from down south;
(2) stop smoking, cigarette breath;
(3) start walking, a bit at a time, it will help you with your lower body flab; and
(4) go back to flinging the mop again, it helps in developing the upper back, it get's rid of the sags you presently have on your arms, you know similar to the ones the wife has.
You got issues my friend, I think you should got back to that animal doctor you call a psychologist to get you help. C is right. You need severe help. Take the $30 you owe me and put it towards the Initial Assessment Fee, it'll make me feel better.
Gentlemen of the Maleocchio Table can I start a collection for the Clown? Please advise.
We are still awaiting a response from J or anyone else who is considered part of the Maleocchio Table. I'll keep you posted if anything comes in tomorrow. I hope you found this half as amusing as I did. That's it for tonight gang - great night out watching the Maple Leafs beat the Rangers! Have a great one peeps.
Hazel, I hope things are groovy in your world.
Song of the Night on Hazelspeeps - for my angry poker playing buddies...a song from the Clash
Wrong 'Em Boyo - The Clash
Stagger Lee met Billy
And they got down to gamblin
Billy said that he throwed eight
I'm gonna have to leave my knife in your back
Why do you try to cheat?
And trample people under your feet
Don't you know it is wrong?
To cheat the trying man
Don't you know it is wrong?
To cheat the trying man
So you better stop, it is the wrong 'em boyo
You lie, steal, cheat and deceit
In such a small, small game
Don't you know it is wrong
To cheat the trying man
Don't you know it is wrong
To cheat the trying man
You'd better stop, it is the Wrong 'Em Boyo
Billy Boy has been shot
And Stagger Lee's come out on top
Don't you know it is wrong
To cheat the trying man
Don't you know it is wrong
To cheat Stagger man
You'd better stop
It is the Wrong 'Em Boyo
You must start all over again-all over again
Don't you know it is wrong
You got to play it, Billy, play,
Don't you know it is wrong
You got to play it, Billy, play
And you will find it is the right 'em boyo
But if you must lie and deceit
And trample people under your feet
Don't you know it is wrong
To cheat the trying man
Don't you know it is wrong
To cheat the trying man
You better stop.
It is the wrong 'em boyo(x6)
Peesth Out...Buh Bye!
posted by Pogue @ 11:55 PM
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